As a protective/ coping mechanism (developed from childhood) when we are afraid and traumatised our heart space closes and understandably its potential energy is used to build defensive walls arounds us. We needed to protect ourselves somehow! Then in our daily experiences our energy is not flowing freely, we are neither giving or receiving energy from/ to others in our life experience. We are fully armoured up in defence mode without realising it :).
When we are walled in we may feel 'relatively' safe and steady but our body and experience feels bad, limited, restricted somehow. We are living in a 'breath held', tense,'prepared for battle" state. We have been in these protective states for so long that they become our 'normal'. We think it's normal to need weekends, drugs, sex, alcohol or holidays to relax. Relaxation seems to only exist 'in the future'. Not true...it's always and only HERE...NOW.
Therefore In order to relax the nervous system, soften and open our hearts again in to presence (this moment...the only moment that ACTUALLY exists) we must become aware firstly that the body IS tense and afraid and then we need to explore what we are actually afraid of.
What are you REALLY afraid of? What are you REALLY hurt about? What do you REALLY want? How are you REALLY feeling underneath the unfolding dramas of your life story.
From here, presence (authentic truth) the fear, hurt and pain needs attention...tending…tenderising…softening...so that it can be digested and integrated...we ALL feel unsafe and vulnerable underneath the surface. To be alive is to be vulnerable to the great...unpredictable... flowing mystery of life. When the suppressed hurts and fears are allowed and deeply felt the energy that has held them in suppression is freed up! YOUR LIFE FORCE ENERGY STARTS TO FLOW FREELY!
The sensation or feeling of a vulnerable child is what the heart energy as a wall is trying to protect. Once the underlying fear, pain and hurt is addressed, tended to and integrated, the heart will automatically open again....the rigid walls will soften. The heart space is just doing its job. It is keeping you safe from the pain you couldn’t deal with and process effectively as a child…you absolutely can now as an adult.
The pain…fear…hurt…loss...abandonment that was experienced but did not come to completion must be taken care of…this is how any resistance to lifes natural and inevitable flow of feelings is dissolved.
Completion simply means that a difficult emotion is fully experienced eg the devastating loss of a loved one...the grief and loss is felt deeply together as a tribe/ family... and naturally there is a 'coming to terms' or balancing or harmonising of energy, a kind of alchemising of experience. Wisdom is gleaned for ALL from the experience naturally. But if the parents weren't held sufficiently in their emotions with their experiences of loss (hadn't grieved their loss sufficiently to come to terms (completion) with ) they obviously couldn't hold you unconditionally as you processed (balanced) yours. And so the cycles go. Make sense?
This is applicable with all emotions.
What can we do practically to begin to open the heart space again?
Start becoming aware and conscious of how the body feels moment to moment. This develops the ‘feeling’ muscle. Underneath a closed heart of protection is fear of not 'feeling' good, a fear of not being able to handle or cope with a feeling. A fear of big emotions. A huge fear of shame and self loathing. Yes feelings seemed too big and insurmountable as a child when you weren't held with them, but they are not too big for you now. They are just feelings. The feeling or rather the capacity to 'feel' muscle needs a work out to strengthen your natural capacity to FEEEEEEL anything that may arise. Maybe there’s even a fear of feeling ‘good’ emotions because historically they may have lead to BAD ones. Obviously it feels safer to not feel...to not 'go there' but the body suffers. The body wants authenticity/ Truth. As the cliche goes "Truth will set you free." True dat....
It is perfectly understandable why we wouldn’t want to feel pain, grief, rejection, disappointment, loss etc…IT sucks balls!!!...However... the more willing we are to feel the scary emotions the more OPEN our heart will remain and the healthier we will be because our energy can move and circulate. Your heart learns to stay open regardless of what others do and regardless of what happens in our life. Regardless of how big the emotions are. The paradox is as we hold space for our feelings they tend to begin to feel less intense as they arise :). We are no longer avoiding, trying to fix, over intellectualising, trying to forget , understand, suppress or run away from any arising emotion. By peeling off the attached narrative component we can just really just BE with the arising emotion.
God/ life in its infinite compassion and incomparable natural intelligence offers up to us day after day scenarios that allow suppressed emotions to be integrated...simply FEEL whatever arises and release the surrounding 'sense making', 'blame or guilt assigning' narrative.
FEELING IS HEALING AND INTEGRATING!
We can go through the entire spectrum of emotions in a day….and that’s ok…they arise...they dissolve when given space...it’s so much healthier than closing off the heart and numbing out in protection mode or overly analysing and ruminating. When we numb out , ruminate over or avoid our feelings the nervous system goes in to hyper vigilant mode. It ramps up! Rumination and anxiety is a sure sign that the heart is contracted in fear/ protective mode. Again in this mode we are no longer 'in flow'...giving or receiving energy. Our energy flow is stifled, that's why we feel bad. That's why we suffer.
The more you become accustomed to feeling whatever arises the greater your capacity to FEEL becomes….this strengthens your nervous system and enables the heart to remain open…energy moves freely and the mental, emotional and physical body become so much more relaxed, balanced and healthy. The higher intelligence within your body is able to flow wherever in needs to flow. As an individual you become so much more robust. You become more naturally intelligent because a higher order thinking is activated. We could call this intuition. Your mental, fearful mind is no longer wildly spinning to make sense and come to balance. A crazy mind is only ever seeking balance , completion and equilibrium.
BREATHE IN TO/ LEAN IN TO EMOTIONS… RATHER THAN RECOILING FROM AND RESISTING THEM. THEY WON'T KILL YOU.
2. Be willing to be vulnerable. We are vulnerable and there’s absolutely nothing we can do about it. God or this mysterious life flow can smote us in a millisecond…a closed heart says I’m not willing to be vulnerable…NEWS FLASH!! - YOU ALREADY ARE!!!! :). This is Gods gig, not ours.
In order to be vulnerable we have to look inside and be honest about what is causing us to not feel good….especially things that cause us to feel weak or bad about ourselves….powerless…weak…embarrassed…emotional….feeble….sensitive…threatened…susceptible…small…contracted...exposed….fragile….pathetic…at risk of being harmed.
What are we believing abut ourselves, others and life? ...and is it REALLY true or just trauma speaking?
BE HONEST!!!!
We need to start revealing these bruised…frightened…dark …vulnerable parts of ourselves with others….even if we can’t say them out loud... write them down and show someone…just face them head on. It'll be that little child inside expressing itself for maybe the first time!
This will be so terrifying and uncomfortable…but you will develop more okness with this discomfort over time. It will become easier and easier…it is easier to begin strengthening/ expanding your capacity to feel what you are afraid of feeling (being vulnerable and open) as you begin to recognise that keeping the heart closed and everything 'safely' under wraps doesn’t work. Resistance doesn’t work. Defence doesn’t work. Maybe it does temporarily but the fake walls of protection begin crumbling at some point. Love is always looking to find a way to seep through the cracks of self protection.
The more done you are with the ways that you try to protect yourself from vulnerability eg hostility to others, addictions, over working, obsessive goals, efforts to distract yourself from how you really feel, daydreams of a better partner or life, the more willing you are to risk being vulnerable and appearing as weak and not having all the answers etc…
A willingness to be open and vulnerable to feeling “bad’ or however life in this moment wants you to feel IS the definition of an OPEN heart. Sometimes you feel like an idiot...sometimes you feel awkward..sometimes you feel terror....IT'S OK...This is expanded consciousness. We feel like we shouldn't feel bad at times...why shouldn't we feel bad or lonely or confused or a blubbering wreck at times? Life is the FULL spectrum of emotions.
3. Do conscious integration of parts therapy to engage and integrate the parts of you that are subconsciously involved in the ‘closed heart’/ protection dynamic. These subconscious, discarnate (unintegrated) parts (feelings), the parts that are considered inappropriate, are the parts that are keeping the heart closed and that the heart is protecting you from feeling. Repetitive cycles of clinging to and avoiding feelings.
4. STEP BACK FROM WHAT YOU THINK YOU KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING!…When you (the nervous system - fight/flight) are triggered the thoughts (the stories about what is happening - who did what to who and why) are soooo convincing that we just automatically believe them. We do not perceive the situation with clarity, we only see through the lens and perspectives of our ‘protective’ armour - designed to close down the heart - withdraw - fight or freeze and keep us safe. We are perceiving through the lens of our trauma.
When we are in trauma mode our brain goes completely out of whack regarding pattern recognition. It sees patterns in what is happening now with situations that generated our trauma eg if a war veteran hears a loud noise their traumatised brain may perceive a bomb going off - it doesn’t know the difference. This is a trauma response being triggered. The brain regards the two incidents as having equal gravity because it is designed to recognise patterns only. Trauma makes our pattern recognition centre somewhat flawed, or overcompensatory. Thats why people with a lot of trauma in the nervous system startle easily. Their systems become hyper sensitised.
We need to start associating our nervous system triggers in real time WITH the awareness that we may be wrong (our feelings are never wrong btw - just our interpretations sometimes) and actually over reacting with reference to what is ACTUALLY happening in real time - instead of automatically believing our inflamed perceptions! What we see, think and feel is happening. It maybe that we have gone in to trigger mode of operating for protection. That does not mean we dismiss feelings and sensations, just maybe the accompanying narrative, so that we can fully be with and integrate the emotion and sensation. In this way the triggering scenarios stop repeating or being such an anxiety provoking drama. This is how you can register how integrated you are becoming; when the things that previously made you run, fight or freeze as your body became flooded with adrenalin, don't have as much as an effect on you anymore. You know that your heart energy is starting to feel safe enough to remain open :).
From here…when triggered we can start taking a step back and instead of subconsciously and automatically reacting and taking our perceptions as true (what we think…feel…see) we can begin to create space from nervous system reactivity and begin to consciously cultivate safety in ‘real’ time - instead of the knee jerk - fight…fly or freeze.
We start to consciously ask questions - what really is true here…now?
Am I really under threat? Can I really come to any harm? Does that person really dislike me?Maybe…just maybe whatever has caused the heart to close is really not that big of a threat as my nervous system currently ‘believes’ it is?
5. CONSCIOUSLY EXPANDING YOUR HEART SPACE….CENTRE
Put both hands on your heart.
Breathe in to your heart space.
Ask your heart what it needs from you...what it truly desires...how you can best serve it and meet its needs.
You will feel it speak to you intuitively.
Tell it that you will always be here for it..give your life to serving it and meeting its truest needs. If you are genuinely connecting the needs will not be superficial.
6. Put energy in to consciously cultivating empathy.
When we close our hearts we are invariably reacting to someone else & we go in to our own story and pain in relation to the perceived threat - ‘other.’ A good way out of this is to genuinely try to deeply understand the other persons perspective , their pain, their trauma, their fear etc…”Only hurt people…hurt people”…imagine them as a little vulnerable child feeling unsafe, hurt and deeply traumatised….this can re-open our hearts and facilitates naturally the emotions of empathy and compassion…(which are only accessible with an open heart).
7. Do deliberate gratitude & appreciation exercises - it automatically opens the heart space. The key is that you are not doing it to negate hurt, fearful or angry ‘parts’ of yourself.
Write a list of the good things in your life…anything you feel grateful for…any wisdom you have gleaned through a painful time etc…Really let yourself start to feel in to good vibes…this causes the heart space to relax and expand.
It’s really effective to do this exercise in relation to whatever you are protecting yourself from or closing your heart to. It takes the heart from contraction to expansion.
When our hearts are closed we are in ‘resistance’…we are closed of and in fight/ flight/ freeze…this exercises softens the resistance and automatically opens the heart space energy. Energy flows freely again.
8. Practice deliberate kindness…this opens/ relaxes the heart space…frees up the energy channels…so you are open to receiving love…you cannot perceive it or receive it if the channels aren’t open…energy becomes stagnant.
You can do a random act of kindness at any time - you can ask yourself “If I were to display love right now what would that look like…what could I say?…what could I do?”…this will open your heart space and make your heart available to receive love. Just remember that you are doing it primarily for your own benefit so that your energy flows more freely & hopefully someone else gets something out of it too:). Remembering this keeps your 'martyr complex' in check.
When we feel threatened and afraid we really do have a choice whether to try to be consciously aware & keep the heart open or closed.
You really do reach a point where to keep the heart closed and protected and therefore the nervous system in hyper alert mode is unsustainable for the organism that you inhabit…i.e your BODY :).
Ultimately you can reach a point where the heart remains open whether you are feeling afraid, hurt, lost, lonely, confused, jealous, unloved, abandoned, unworthy, threatened etc…after all keeping the heart space open and expanded has little to do with perceived ‘others’…or how life appears moment to moment.
It has to do with the type of life experience that you wish to have. It is to do with you wanting and therefore choosing the most FULFILLING and complete life experience possible!!
With an expanded heart space life is complete and fulfilled in and of itself....regardless of appearances and feelings. Good feelings come and go. Bad feelings come and go.
No feeling...good or bad... remains forever....
Just passing waves...rising and falling... within an infinite flowing ocean of time...
Only the heart is infinite and complete…
AND it's ALWAYS here....
IT IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE x
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