The festive season can certainly bring up a lot of emotional turmoil; family time is wonderful for stirring up our insecurities and showing us where we are unable to truly be in deep rest and acceptance of our most natural and authentic expression.
It can be challenging to release all of our indoctrinated ‘shoulds’. Maybe we are afraid of who we’ll become if we let go of our attachments of being who others expect us to be. Maybe we are afraid of who our children/ siblings/ parents may become if they let go of their attachment to us!
But by letting go of the behavioural ‘shoulds’ and 'ought to's' the whole family can breathe and actually just authentically ‘be’ together without ‘trying’ to fit in to projected moulds and ‘modes’ of being.
Maybe in genuine and authentic expression there’s no longer relevance and compatibility to be together at times and that’s cool too. It won’t be forever. Don’t be afraid. Trust yours and their (lifes) authentic flow implicitly. Don’t force out of fear of loss. I really personally believe in the intense power of the family unit but as conditioned humans we have placed so many ‘conditions’ on it so that it cannot just breathe and be and therefore naturally evolve in to something really empowering, fulfilling and beautiful (for each member).
People who really feel the call to be their authentic selves can feel the limitation and restriction of 'conditional' love within the family unit.
Some in the family may be flowing towards more authentic expression and some may be clinging to historical dynamics for safety and security, there are so many nuances around it and out of fear and clinging to the 'old' so much judgement can arise. This is a natural reaction of fear.
As teenagers we can make grand gestures and declarations of our detaching from parents and family and choosing authentic expression and freedom. This is perfectly healthy and natural when we have felt so suppressed by the ‘conditional’ love. Mine was moving out of home at 17 and smoking in front of them unconsciously (passively) declaring “You are not the boss of me! I am no longer attached to your projections of who I need to be to get your love or approval :).
The gestures need not be such grand statements :). Personal freedom and resting deeply in ones own inherent peace and freedom can be enjoyed almost imperceptibly to another. it can just be you being deeply and completely relaxed and at ease in your own skin, deeply at home inside your own being regardless of others silent or overt projections and expectations of you. And however your most natural state of being (authenticity) wishes to express, trust it implicitly. Remain always in your most authentic flow. Others may not like it because you are no longer serving their projected ideas or expectations of who you should be for them.
To be free within your family dynamic is much simpler than you could ever imagine. Let go of your attachments, projections and expectations of how you or others should behave. Stay in your own Being (lane). Speak and move from authenticity and you may be pleasantly surprised at how amazing your family time together becomes. Get out of your head! Remain within the silent space of your own heart and trust your most natural expression. Of course it’s not always overtly kind & maybe triggering to another but it is true, real. This is the purest compassion. It is real and will facilitate exactly the needed change for the evolution, ultimate peace and freedom of expression of everyone involved.
Be you! Be real! not a polished "spiritually higher' version. Maybe not necessarily grand eccentric gestures of what has been suppressed for so long acting out in eccentric ways (Good luck with being taken seriously if you do). This would just be unconsciously blaming others for your own self repression and suppression and inability to express yourself freely. Just maybe stay in your own lane and rest deeply in your own heart.
Maybe just chill out. Be around your family if that feels right and just …Be…chill…
Relax…..connect to your breath...slow the internal noise right down....
Don’t be what you 'think' others need you to be (as you always have). But also don’t purposefully be the opposite. Just be still in your own body. Don’t flow with the magnetic forces of historical dynamics. Don’t be pulled by the phantoms of insecurity, neediness and craving to be seen or belong or accepted. A need to be liked and seen in a certain light or a need to do and say the right thing.
BE STILL….If there is any social awkwardness because you are not playing your usual, habituated role…just LET IT BE…Don’t react. It’s deeply ok.
If you remain still and just chill the f#ck out & just don’t buy in to the projections and expectations of yourself and others to be who they ‘know’ you to be or who you think you should be, you’ll probably get questions “Are you ok?”…”Are you high?”…”Do you want a drink?”….or 'You've changed' - this is a good sign :).
Let the discomfort be…the comfort zone is expanding beyond the limitations of conditioning…with growth comes discomfort :).
Do not recreate the old projection and image of yourself where you lose your authenticity and naturalness. STOP playing the roles of the ‘kind’ one…the ‘understanding’ one….the ‘helpful’ one…the one who has everything under control…the ‘level’ headed one…the funny one...the organiser....the peaceful one...the 'helpful' one etc…etc…etc…
BE YOU naturally, authentically and unapologetically moment to moment, have no script. This gives permission to everyone else in your family to be their most natural expression too. What a gift!
There may be an awkward adjustment period but everything will come back in to balance in its. own sweet time. The chips will fall exactly where they are supposed to.
If you consistently remain chill around family members they will be unconsciously forced to create a new image of you and you have to give them the time and space to do that.
It doesn’t mean you have to make radical gestures “I am no longer your son, daughter, sister, brother, your parent” etc…it just means you are radically your most effortless, natural self, it takes way less energy and you give them time and space to catch up to that. They have known you as a projected image for a loooong time.
If after a while they still haven’t adapted to your most natural expression you can maybe explain that you no longer wish to be treated as a little brother or helpless child or scapegoat for their grievances or butt of their jokes but that you want to be respected and regarded as an equal etc…It’s completely up to them if they want to come to the party or not.
To be yourself doesn’t necessarily mean overt or eccentric expressions of craziness (although that sometimes happens :)), it just means you are in deep rest all the time. You are YOU. You are deeply relaxed and at peace inside, no matter the external circumstances. You are in deep rest regardless of the emotions that arise.
The energetic shift in to clarity and authenticity that you will be embodying will rewire the family dynamics. It will liberate all to be their most authentic, natural expressions if they so choose. Then family time is bliss, fulfilling, uplifting for all.
The change within you naturally liberates the whole family. Your staying present in your own body naturally flows through the entire family dynamic.
The oppression you have felt within the family dynamic is yours, you have played in to their expectations and projections of you, which became yours. You didn’t really have a choice as a child (as your children don’t). But as an adult you have choice whether to continue on in the psychological, expected ‘roles’ or to be authentic. As an adult you are no longer trapped in that psychological cage of role playing….it’s an illusion.
We only feel suffocated and suppressed by our own psychological entrapment of our perceived expectations “Being who we think we need to be in order to be safe, loved and accepted”.
Yes sometimes you need to create space from your family for a bit while you accept and allow your authenticity more and more within yourself, but generally if you start to make change in a sensible, gentle and balanced way then the family can be largely unaffected and all can benefit in such a positive way.
If anyone is not keen with you being your authentic expression it just means that they are more attached to the version of you that met their needs rather than your most authentic expression. Maybe they don’t actually love you for you, maybe they love you more for what you can give to them, this can be a really hard pill to swallow. But this is not unconditional love :)….so you are better without it :).
Just be your most comfortable, natural expression and allow others to digest and respond to that in their own time and way.
If they ask you “Why is our relationship different?”, which they invariably will, you can just inform to the best of your ability that you are no longer living from inauthenticity and fear of upsetting the apple cart…from expected roles and conditioned behaviour…you are just being yourself…etc…
Generally if you are with intelligent humans they will love you just being your authentic self because they feel it and it therefore gives them silent permission to be themselves too. It increases wellbeing and trustworthiness, therefore there is more genuine respect, harmony and balance.
Authenticity engenders trust, expansion and growth within the family dynamic. Everyone benefits and family life really becomes joyous and wholesome. In this we become more unified and that unification flows out in to the entire human family, a love and trust that spreads out throughout the neighbourhood and ultimately the world. It isn’t contrived, it is just having the strength to be honest and authentic moment to moment….that’s all!...to truly be our most authentic...imperfect selves with others.
It all starts within the family.
A unified family breathes this genuine unity out in to the unity of all things and people. Each individual within a genuinely unified family genuinely has the highest good of each family member for its foundational motivation. Each family member feels safe enough to express themselves freely and authentically to each other, even if it hurts, there will be growth for all. This is the strength of love and true compassion.
Each individual becomes strong and free within their own being, breathing this strength of being in to the family group. We are individual AND we are ONE. WHOLE and UNIFIED as a group, fully supporting and loving each other from a place of deep rest and fulfilment.
This deep unwavering authentic trust and love within the family dynamic then gives each member the love, strength, freedom, space and autonomy to explore the world and ourselves freely, to love others as ourselves. An unconditional love that has been sewn within the family dynamic is then naturally shared wherever we go.
Do not fear letting go of dynamics that no longer serve your authentic expression. Resting in deep peace within your own natural authenticity only leads to more compassion, more care, more empathy and deep, genuine connection with others.
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