By the age of 3 we have learned that it is more important to swallow our truth i.e what we really feel about something in a moment, than risk losing a relationship with a friend or a loved one..This is tied in to our survival mechanism i.e the ingrained 'belief' it is best to swallow our authentic expression than to risk being ousted and possible death! it is in our biology to suppress our authenticity!! This is why it is so hard to be ourselves completely authentically.
But swallowing our truth doesn’t dissolve it, it is energy and it will get acted out either consciously through intelligent honest, conscious discussion or unconscious passive aggressive ways. Energy speaks louder than words. We may think our silence is compassionate or a means of bypassing the energetic truth bombs in our body...but it isn't. We may distract ourselves, change the subject, keep ourselves busy...but truth isn't going anywhere!. As I always bang on, the authentic expression just goes underground and becomes stifled and twisted, but the body cannot contain it, it will leak in to all of your interactions and it will make your body sick. Suppression of life force (authentic expression moment to moment) depletes us. It also causes us to attach to unhealthy addictions in our pursuit of connection. Addiction is the opposite of connection.
We really believe we must swallow truth to maintain a relationship, to stay safe, to be loved. This one whopper of a belief causes mayhem and misalignment for the rest of our lives. It dictates how we show up. We are inauthentic in our relationships in order to maintain the 'false' status quo. In order to remain in a false sense of security.
This is a really good question to ask yourself, to really test how 'real' you are being in life. If we had a magic wand and this wand gave us absolute permission to express our unapologetic truth to just one individual with no consequences whatsoever, no repercussions at all!, what exactly would we say and to who?
Maybe you'd tell a child they've hurt you. Maybe a boss that their foul odour and creepiness is making you feel uncomfortable. Maybe a husband or wife that you want to feel closer to them, that you feel neglected or unheard or unappreciated etc...
What do you think is the cost of suppressing or avoiding your truth? of keeping your truth in a vault inside you?
We can want our truth not to be our truth. We can avoid it like the plague, desperately try to understand ourselves and be a 'better' person, or distract ourselves, but truth ain't going anywhere! TRUTH will ALWAYS show up but you do have a choice as to how it will show up? Again we can want our truth to not be as it is…BUT IT IS!!!!!
So again we can choose conscious, open, honest dialogue or we can choose unconscious manipulative behaviour; silent treatment or blaming and shaming, or avoidance altogether. maybe we keep ourselves busy, maybe we numb ourselves with meditation, antidepressants or alcohol or 'goals', maybe insane amounts of 'self help' ingestion.
So many relationships are not broken because it was an inevitability, they are broken by the silence or lack of authentic, heartfelt communication. They are broken because the lag time between feeling/ perceiving a stumbling block and discussing to integrate and grow beyond a stumbling block yawned soooooo wide that the relationship disintegrated. Maybe too much pride to be seen as weak or vulnerable or powerless. Maybe fear of being dominated or not being heard. Maybe a lack of a safe container to hold each other or at least be present for each other while we express our truth. But egos can only operate in righteousness and defence, winning and losing. Ego takes every word as a personal attack. Ego must win or be right at all cost!
Yes we may win in the moment, but the connection, trust and intimacy we crave in relationship will lose.
Experiencing a stumbling block doesn't spell disaster, it spells potential growth, wisdom and deeper connection for all.
What does silence REALLY look like when it is holding/ housing/ protecting an unexpressed truth…is it really silent?
Of course not! a silence that holds unexpressed or suppressed authenticity (truth) is the loudest silence in the room!!. Our actions, our behaviours, our stifled energy and resistance, our life force energy (our life experience!) is informed by our unexpressed truth. Our life force, our love is tainted, it is conditional and it is certainly not flowing freely. Our entire life, ALL of our relationships are unconsciously informed by the truth we do not express consciously and intelligently!
Maybe we want to fess up to something but are afraid to, do you think the guilt just waits innocuously in the shadows, of course not, the guilt shows up everywhere, insidiously flowing in to everything you do, it wants to be allowed, expressed, released and integrated?
If truth is not talked out it will be acted out. Itt shows up in myriad ways.
If its not getting talked out its getting acted out in behaviour, passive aggression etc…sleeping on the couch…cleaning the toilet with your husbands toothbrush ha ha!!, escaping to silent retreats for a month!!! running away to the mountain top!
IS SILENCE TRULY SILENT?????
Calculate the cost of not communicating your truth.
What are the costs of not expressing my truth? What are the potential risks of not expressing my truth?
Uncomfortable conversations are not just a hell to be navigated through they are a natural accelerator of TRUE intimacy. But it takes so much courage to risk being rejected for our truth, but what is the alternative, living a lie? this is hell, this is disconnection from God and inevitably each other. Inauthenticity creates chasms between us.
When the storms of authentic conversations are weathered they increase trust and intimacy. They don’t damage connection, quite the opposite, they increase intimacy and trust. If your truth can’t be held by another then they are not meant for you :). Simple as that. Maybe they go off for a while to process, but if the love is true they will find their way back :).
Essential, difficult conversations are the pathway to true, genuine and deep connection.
Authenticity is GOD. It IS LOVE.
This is how families and organisations grow closer. Authenticity is how a solid, reliable foundation of trust is built.
You don’t have to choose between telling the truth and losing a loved one, as long as they feel safe with you they’ll hear you and make their own choices. As long as they feel safe with you they will express themselves authentically too. Resist the temptation of ego to dismiss, reject, bypass or defend.
How can I speak my truth AND remain caring, respectful and open to feedback from others? These are skills to develop. They will build deep trust, intimacy and meaningful relationships.
SAFETY is essential to speak our truth, and to allow others to express theirs. to know we/ they won’t be rejected, attacked and outcast.
AUTHENTICITY ACCELERATES INTIMACY.
When we are really pissed off with someone let's ask ourselves - What do I really want from them…invariably we just want to feel loved and seen by them.
The way we see someone during the moments of crucial conversations is less a reflection of who they are and more a reflection of what we want and believe we can’t have.
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