Surrendering life back to God

'My' life has long since been fully given back to God/ Life's natural flow. Every moment I consciously surrender my thoughts, feelings, sensations in the body back to God. My life is no longer 'my' personal gig. It is no longer about being the best version that 'I' can be, behaving myself, 'improving' my self, 'achieving' the 'ultimate', creating the happiest and most successful life. 'I' or ego is no longer trying to control how life naturally unfolds.

Life for me is CONTINUOUSLY MELTING BACK HOME IN TO GOD…then God lives through my intuition. Intuition is subtle and feeling in to it (beyond the loud, magnetic force of the conditioning of ego) is a never ending path...but it is a path unfolding through love now and not fear. It is deeply realised that by handing the steering wheel back to God, personal suffering ends. Life now feels wrapped in a blanket of eternal, unwavering safety and love as its foundation.

I've entered this state of being or perspective, for lack of a better phrase, by fully acknowledging, allowing and surrendering to ALL the pain, grief, confusion, chaos, sorrow and self rejection that was avoided through trying to create the ‘best’ version of myself or reality. By trying, hoping or longing for a 'better' or different or 'healed' version of myself and my reality. I (ego) continually avoided what was right here waiting to be fully felt and integrated within my body, by 'believing' my indoctrinated mental fairytales of 'better in the future'. By continually trying to be perfect enough that God would save me! :).

I've discovered (as have many others) that the true purpose of this life is to embody the true or authentic self (we could call this Soul - our body's individual expression of God within). God has always been here within us! To fully be with whatever my body FEELS - moment to moment - is to be with God - the braver I am to actually feel the pain, the rejection, the fear, the jealousy, the loneliness, the hopelessness, the lostness, the desperation, the "I don't know what to do or how to fix this", that is UNDER my egoic mental, analytical, coping narrative or strategy, the more liberated, free and at home in the eternal love of God I become.

Life has become so much simpler.

The more suppressed life force energy (shadow) is faced and freed up in my body, the lighter, freer and more content or whole and centred I become. The rejected, fragmented and disassociated parts begin to merge. The treadmill of seeking for healing, self improvement or 'more' stops. I no longer spiritualise anything away, I no longer bypass anything, I don’t make it more beautiful than it is….or wish for a better experience or try putting icing on a poo :)...I simply FEEL WHATEVER is arising to be felt. So simple yet so challenging at times!

The wounds within me are where the light of God enters…I stopped avoiding the wounds…I started airing them…DEEPLY respecting them...allowing the light of God to penetrate them...soothe them…dissolve them. Being with them fully...they all belong to God. The resentment, the bitterness, the hatred for self or others who I perceived have hurt me...finally admitting my layers of pain and injustice, the lost and desperate feelings of abandonment, the wrong I perceived I've done, all the places I perceived I failed myself and others...the “I don’t know how to fix this” feeling, the defeated feeling….deeply being at one with the pain…ALLOWING it deeply and fully…the only way is through. At some point I stopped trying and efforting to rise 'above' it :)....I sank deeply in to it :)....I let it swallow me up...whole....again and again...in this I realised deeply that the monsters and demons under the bed that I was so afraid of...

..... were the Grace of God all along :)...

By fully acknowledging and allowing all shadow feelings, I Integrate EVERY aspect of the false self, this is the path home to God... to true liberation and freedom.

My Life is a path of detaching from the distracting arrogant beliefs about how 'I' or 'my' life or 'others' ‘should’ or ‘could’ look, behave or 'better' be! I finally STOPPED seeking 'out there'...turned around to face my SELF and started looking inside, facing and giving MY love and attention to that which needed it the most, MY OWN HEART!.

No longer obeying the conditioned, conceptual ideas of ego, of what may bring 'my' happiness and 'my' fulfilment - I began only obeying Gods guidance or intuition, moment to moment; the Soul, life force essence....to finally allow life force to direct the natural flow of my life...as God intends it to be...the true parent.

While I was living a life in service of ego (conditioning, "shoulds', self improvement) and not in service of authenticity, complete honesty and truth, intuition; my natural, life force flow was hindered. This of course happens through the process of socialisation. We are taught how to veer away from our most authentic expression in order to conform to our surroundings....to survive, to maintain safety and acceptance. It happens to all of us. We begin living a kind of pseudo reality; based on inherited and indoctrinated, second hand beliefs. We could say that our life force flow or our natural essence (energy) or intuition is God/ life. If it isn't allowed to flow in the direction that is natural for its unique (Soul) expression, it becomes stifled. Over time it becomes more and more suppressed so that we are living life from a false (conditioned) premise...our true, authentic expression remains in the dark (subconscious). This internal fight between our authentic, intuitive, natural expression (God) and our egoic, 'polished' version (gatekeeper of our shadow self) IS suffering. This is the internal fight between what is conscious and what is unconscious. The ego's job is to protect us, at all costs, from our shadow (our suppressed, subconscious authentic expression) This internal split of our energy creates all the chaos, confusion and suffering in our lives.

To begin unravelling the suppressed life force energy (becoming consciously aware of our unconscious shadow) is a journey of lifetimes...but as I began my 'true' life...facing what was begging to be felt, what is HERE naturally...and deeply being present and FEELING in to it...suffering ended. Obviously pain, hurt and fear still arises naturally, this is life, but the suffering of emotional signatures within me ended. My heart becomes ever more open, expanded and naturally courageous and of course able to be with whatever arises naturally. Life is no longer being rejected or avoided as it arises....naturally.

I love this poem by Rumi...it says it all

There is a secret medicine given only to those who hurt so hard they can't hope.

The hopers would feel slighted if they knew.

You were born with potential.

You were born with wings.

You are not meant for crawling, so don't.

You have wings.

Learn to use them and fly. -Rumi

To keep our heart open when we feel soooo much hurt, rejection, sadness, confusion, grief and lonliness is the most courageous thing we’ll ever do…to live without the protective armour of the egoic coping mechanism and to FULLY FEEL in to our beautiful, sensitive , fragile hearts. To be with our hearts expression unconditionally. This is our way home to the Grace of God within us all.

Heart breaks are destined to crack open our hearts - to integrate our deepest despair, lonliness sorrow and pain - to transform us and take us home to the open…infinite...loving arms of God.

In truth all that is not illuminated by Gods light and presence is false.

As falsehood is illuminated...it dissolves :).

By BEING with...by FEELING ALL fragmented parts of our SELF...our reality....all PARTS dissolve back in to ONE.